[Warning: This article may contain text that could be interpreted as sarcastic, ironic or satirical. Parental guidance is advised.]
When I saw this game summary the other day, I thought I had been transported back in time to the days before the “Refereeing Revolution” in MLS consigned “balance” to the dustbin where it belonged. Take a look:
What a factor in the game the Scotsman Chris Iwelumo turned out to be! (I know he's Scottish because he has this week been selected to play for his country. As for which clan he belongs to . . . don't ask!)
He opened the scoring with an overhead strike, banged in another after halftime and then took a penalty for the third, after a teammate had been brought down. By this time the referee, Martin Atkinson, who had done an internship in MLS two or three years ago (hoping to grab a quota number for immigration because of his special balancing skills) was beside himself at the unfairness of Wolves going three-up in the hallowed ground of Preston North End. This was Deepdale, where the legendary Tom Finney had played. And here we were at only seventy-two minutes and already this match was finis.
His responsibility as referee was to repair the damage that Wolves had wrought against fairness and parity. As that thought was flitting into his mind, the Great God of Football, Josephus Matchfix whispered in his ear: "Pssst! Do something!" So he did.
His chance came a minute or two later, as Iwelumo and an opponent Sean St Ledger of Preston both went up for a ball in the air. Their heads clashed, both fell to the turf (the players, not the heads), Atkinson saw violent conduct, but only against the Scotsman. He had nutted his opponent, he said, and had to be sent off. There was some fuss, and Iwelumo's teammate Kightly pleaded his case too vigorously and was booked. Order restored.
The game went on, 11 against 10, and the referee perhaps hoped that parity would be restored. Not so easily done as imagined. Again that voice: "Pssst! Do something!" What better than a penalty-kick and a send-off? No sooner deemed than done. Goalkeeper Hennessey fouled an attacker in the area, the whistle blew, a red card popped into the air, much to the surprise of everybody, including another defender deeper than the 'keeper. To be fair to the referee, he didn't have time to wait any longer to balance the match; he had to act quickly. The penalty was in the 90th minute.
In fact, his attempt at parity failed, but at least he had saved a little honor for the home team. He got them a goal, and when after the match Iwelumo and his "victim" St Ledger came to him and said that nothing had happened in their accidental clash, Atkinson stood firm. No, he would not rescind the red card. That would not be fair, would it?
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